It’s a Woe-man’s world 101

Recently Mail Today asked me to write an anecdotal article for them. It got published on 31st Jan’10 (best viewed in IE).  Here’s the unedited version of the article (which has one anecdote extra). Awaiting bouquets/brickbats in comments. 🙂

It’s a Woe-Man’s world

“Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke”. How else does one explain the umpteen number of smart, intelligent, independent women getting married to chauvinists & changing their entire outlook for that mandatory milestone in life that we call “marriage”? They believe they need to either do that, or get slotted into the “failure” category. I see some of them living double lives – one when they are outside the home and one when they are under scrutiny of their in-laws.

Gone are the days when the typical matrimony setup had the boy’s family visiting the girl’s with the girl coyly handing out tea & demonstrating her obligatory culinary/sewing/singing/knitting (take your pick) skills. Cut to the present – now families meet in public places a.k.a. crowded cafes where the ‘boy’ & the ‘girl’ are given some time alone after both parties size each other in noisy environs & wonder who’ll foot the bill. Most such meetings end up poorly (literally) since there’s hardly any interaction before the two parties meet, no picture exchange, the only conversations on phone being limited to the “elders”. The entire premise is based on the concept of suitable “bio data” where almost everyone writes things like “hobbies – listening to music” and at most horoscope matching. The ‘boy’ & ‘girl’ in question usually squirm under the scrutiny of the opposite party, utter obligatory nonsense and return back with the real picture getting clearer much later with a phone call. One figures that the only “type” one would meet under these circumstances are “mama’s boys”.

A better method still, some “boys” & “girls” and sometimes even entire families, hang around on matrimonial websites a.k.a. glorified dating sites (& other unmentionable terms in a family newspaper). The goal for at least some of us, is to meet educated, employed, decent AND available men (the last being a very important attribute since most available men lack the first three qualities). But the assumption that one would meet such men beyond the realm of their mother’s pallus, shatters soon enough with the kind of experiences one faces on such sites.

Take for instance the typical “orkut fraandsheep request” type users who flock the site, spamming anyone with a profile, after all it takes only a click. Or the freeloaders with a daily income less than the cost of a peanut butter jar, who can’t write to save their life. I’ve been contacted by men between the ages of 21-62, with professions as varied as “Sweeper” to “Zamindar”, marital status ranging from divorcee-with-2-kids to got-married-a-month-back-now-separated. Some weirdos give reasons like “I’ve no problem with the age difference of just 6 months but my parents want an age difference of at least 3 years” as if its the parents who were going to wed me. Some (including the weirdo category) forget having been written off via a previous profile of theirs & reconnect anyway, when they create a new profile all over again. The online world does give freedom of expression but seemingly the parental pallu extends here too at times! Right from being called up early one morning by an NRI who was ensuring that I was female, thanks to a bad experience with a gay masquerading as a girl on a matrimonial site, to hearing about how one “profile user” stole another’s credit card when they met, to people plagiarizing someone elses pictures & passing them off as their own forgetting that SOME day they’ll meet people they contact, to the people one rejects stalking one on ones social networking profiles – I’ve seen it all!

But don’t take me to be “choosy” just yet. I went through the matrimonial process for many years, putting in my entire free time into the search & approached it very methodically. Taking a cue from another “organised user”, to make sense of the information overload, I maintained excel sheets for the various people I contacted & those who contacted me. The sheet got updated daily with the meticulousness & dedication I would assign only to my finances. Talking of finances, I might as well add, working in the IT industry for several years put me in a decent salary bracket & allowed me to possess my own car and house. With time, I moved out of my parents place and started living independently in the aforementioned house & swooshed around the city in the aforementioned car. Now that is considered a very bad move as far as the marriage market is concerned. I instantly got typecasted into the “fiercely independent” category and I could imagine the rejection thought process of the parents of prospective grooms – “live in boyfriends”, “can’t adjust into family”, you get the picture. Having a head between my shoulders, that actually does think & opine, does not help matters either. With time, taking cue from some online matrimonial profiles which stated clearly that they were looking for people earning as much or above their salary level, I added something to that effect in my profile as well. As expected I received mixed results. Some people could identify with it, whereas a lot of others contacted me on the sites only to harass me for the “attitude”. One guy wrote “You have such proud (sic), just coz u have lakshmi ki kripa.” That response was just begging for a reply & got it. I wrote “Yes, I am blessed with Lakshmi ki kripa, but you aren’t even blessed with Saraswati ki kripa — you can’t even write properly!”. Another user with misplaced patriotism contacted me just to tell me “You Pakis! Just go back to your country!” because my profile stated that my grandparents had migrated during partition from what is now Pakistan!

Even the traditional methods like matrimonial ads in newspapers or getting details of eligible matches through family friends & relatives yield similar results. In one particular instance the family seemed great, the “boy” seemed charming & possessed the four above mentioned attributes. Everything seemed just picture perfect. The family wanted to meet me & my parents at their place. Eventually we met & they instantly adopted me as their would-be daughter-in-law. The “boy’s” mom couldn’t stop fawning over me and kept gushing about something or the other. So much sudden love completely freaked me out. But it all fell into place when the hyperexcited mom of the boy in question took me aside & gave me a short lecture about how men are always careless, fickle minded, naughty and give in to temptations and how it was up to “us women”, the honourable creatures who could hold fort in such situations. Later the “boy” confessed to having been caught by his parents in a compromising position with a, well … friend. Ekta Kapoor’s serials had not started then, else the gushing mother in law, would have been quite the perfect caricature!

Even if one ignores the rotten apples, it’s a fact that most men in the marriage market have their expectations arising from the typical image of a wife who is “gharelu”, submissive, doesn’t talk back and “obeys”, perhaps created by the way we are brought up. Didn’t some elders say, TV is the root cause of all evil? It certainly rings true in this context.

Is it a crime if a woman is more successful or smarter than her better half? Well most men take that as a sign of their own failure. Some of my classmates from engineering, well educated people with good family backgrounds, actually wanted a wife who would NOT work after marriage! Strangely they never had a problem dating their own ambitious classmates from college but when it comes to the “wife search” it’s perhaps more about the apprehensions of these men than about the attributes of the women they look for! Surprisingly having a sister who also aspires to be independent doesn’t make any difference when the search for another female family member commences. The hypocrisy continues. I have observed that parents who believe in stereotypes mostly impose them on their progeny too. Someone who has the freedom to make his/her own choices is the kind of person who would also respect his better half’s choices & not get intimidated by them. The search for that kind of someone is still on, but till the time, the elusive groom who fits required attributes and does NOT get intimidated by me, comes, I go by what Carrie Bradshaw says “Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?”

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101 thoughts on “It’s a Woe-man’s world

  • Joanna

    I love the fact that u spoke so much about what I really believe in and what ive been quite freely preaching to all and sundry…
    When it comes to marriage, even the men who consider themselves independent and modern become mama’s little boys and toe the ‘stereotyped’ line..
    Methinks a major prob lies in women too…why are they so fiercely independent…and then suddenly turn into pati vrata types? Is it necessary to fit into all stereotypes, why cant we break them?
    Ive been called a man-hating feminist for my views…altho I think most men are just scared that their wives will steal their thunder…
    For the record…am also still hunting for mr rite..or mr equal rite (shud i say)…let me kno when urs ends…

  • anurag

    very well said and understood… its a vicious circle ……cant blame neone…… v r all a part of the same thing….

  • purush

    It was an interesting blog. Strangely I have been in to the “marriage market” for over an year. It has been pretty much the same as yours. except that I am a man looking for a woman. I never knew women also have the same experience as men.

    Nice blog ..keep it up.

  • wordsmith

    Very well written. Brought back memories from 10 years ago when I was going through the whole marriage thing.

    After my MBA I landed a great job and was living by myself in Bombay. And my parents bombarded me to no end with bio datas of all sorts of ‘suitable boys’, some of whom I dutifully met for lunch dates. Nothing ever did come out of those meetings, mainly because I was seeing someone else. He didnt have a stellar job at that point, which meant we couldn’t tell my parents. But eventually we did and are still very happily married 10 years later.

    So to all those still looking, don’t despair. Things will work out sooner or later and you will have some amusing tales from this time to tell your grandkids 🙂

  • Yesha / Purplespell

    i started following ur tweets as found quite a few of them interesting and with gud humor… however never visited ur site … my first chance and wooo… what a post.. bang on what i feel! cool one… for penning it down just perfectly!

  • Eedaa

    Excuss pliss, How much is the one jar peanut butter to be costing? Is more than Amul? Desi ghee also? And where you getting this? Also, any substitoot for this… like simpel peanuts?

    What is, I am toh ejucated, amployed and verry decent and all the time avlabel. I am working loader in Gurgaon factry. But not free haan… fulltoo salry I am getting.

    But what to do, up to now single only. I am thinking is bcos I not have the one jar peanut butter.

    After I reading your blog I am speeking my bajuwala kirana. But he toh is saying not noing peanut butter only. But I am thinking how this. He toh verry happily married with most bewtiful wife! I am thinking he having many many jars peanut butter; not telling raskal fellow.

    So you pliss help haan behnji. I sure call you my mareage! (“,)

  • Sameer

    As a marketing consultant, I was recently contacted by yet another ‘marriage-making-portal’. (Yes – they don’t get it !)

    Imagine the plight of these business owners. The content on these portals (their products) are pathetic. Sure – some of them are packaged well. But common – who’re we kidding here.

    Which brings me to an interesting social question – will YOU (for what you are as an Individual) be open to putting up enough information about yourself that you could possibly be contacted by a smart lad worthy of himself (and you apparently). For a date.

    I’m not saying Smith-from -Hitch kinda fellow – but someone who’s mature, fun, and with a good sense of humor.

    Assuming your answer is a yes – Facebook’s $15Bn Valuation is under threat. Cause there’s definitely a possibility of a very high profile match making service in India. If your answer is a No – how do you suggest a guy (of the caliber suggested earlier) find himself a suitable mate.

    There’s always a possibility that such guys simply don’t exist in the Real World. Which almost every single male in our country would not accept.


  • Twilight Fairy Post author

    Sameer – all these matrimonial sites already include loads of data about a person which ultimately results in “wanting to go on a date” with that person.. isnt that what they are all about already!

  • dheeraj

    Well, this topic intrigued me…..I couldn’t give much time to read this blog, but skimmed it……I would definitely come back to this blog and will reply it with a more comprehensive answer. All i want to say now is that it seems the traditional marriage in India is ridiculous and irritating, but still It has survived through few generations and more or less it is also happening in the current generation and easily can go till one more generation…why it is so? I know fundamentals of the traditional arranged marriage sounds totally illogical, but still why people following that. It is by compulsion or by choice? I will give my broader view once I read your blog carefully.

  • purush

    when I don’t it is that bad as yet. It was really that ridiculous why wouldn’t we have broken that tradition. Why is it so tough to break away? every guy and girl reading this would agree that the system is ridiculous and yet follow the same system to find a mate. Aren’t we hypo critic in doing so?

  • Twilight Fairy Post author

    dheeraj, Purush, please note – the post isnt abt love vs arranged marriage. it’s abt the mentality of men towards women they search for a lifetime partnership

  • dheeraj

    Well @twilightfairy,Sorry for not understanding the theme of post on the first go. Its totally about your experience of groom search, and though you have gone through this process comprehensively, you came to know so many facts about what Current Indian available men are like, what their requirements are, what their outlook towards a working girl.
    Well, What can I comment on your experiences. Your experiences throw a picture of current mentality of our society. Many other girls would have gone similar or even more weird experiences than you. I consider groom and bride search through media is very confusing in the nature. You have hundreds of profile and at the same time our profile is accessible to hundreds of people. People who are really unknown to us. Actually only few people are successfully got their partners through these media without much labor and harsh reality of our society. Actually based on how much I can understand I can say that this process is totally unnatural so some person may seem to be weird if you know him/her for a small time span. Oppositely same person will be normal for others who have been with them since a long time. So, In profile based partner search procedure one should clearly specify what lifestyle one is looking for and be ready to get weird responses and ignore them. I am sure there are many men who can find you a very good life partner and respect(not intimidation) you for your education/profession and ideas. I think mutual respect is the backbone of any relationship. In case of arranged marriage, one can not take a long time and judge the compatibility and future is always unknown for everybody. So without much worrying about future one should look for initial respect and compatible bio-data(lifestyle) and physical outlook if it is necessary for the applicant. Also outlook towards life is important. What are the priorities in one’s life. What is one’s approach towards life.
    I couldn’t understand meaning of education. On what criterion one can say a person educated. Degrees, work experience, quantity and quality of projects one has handled can’t be measure of education. One’s approach in life and priorities are important. A beggar can be educated if he has learned to balance between all aspects of his life. Life is a journey. Sorry for getting diverted from topic. At last, I want to say there are many good men around for you. Please don’t judge the whole category from the samples you have seen and also don’t dishearten (:)). Look for the person who respect you. Leave rest on future and the journey so called life. Respect means understanding.
    And there is one personal request. If possible change the background color of blogs. It is little inconvenient to read white text in red background.

  • purush

    I was trying to be more politically correct in putting forward what I had in mind. Personally ever since i have been in the marriage market (for more than a year now).. I have noticed it not just men who got high expectations it is also women. I have encountered some women with ridiculously high expectations often put forward very gently. I am not here as male chauvinist but it is would be better to give a complete story.
    or i might end up writing one perhaps some day in near future 😉 (BTW, urs is a nice write up!)

  • Sameer

    Twilightfairy(perhaps you should publish your real name here) – to clarify – a date is not intended to gravitate towards commitment. All marriage portals are designed to get you ‘married’ – not set you up on a date. Going out for a lunch at McDonalds with your entire family and hers doesn’t classify as a date.

    It’s good to see many comments after me automatically assume this is a Love vs. Arranged marriage debate. Sorry folks – I only questioned the author’s judgment of how men treat women. The point is we’re all judgmental – its just that we go with what info is available about that person. (anyone reading this will already be judging me)

    The fact still remains that its a risk-reward funda. If you put yourself out there – you might get burnt, but there’s a better chance of finding something worthy. The call that each of us has to take is what we define as ‘putting ourselves out there’.


  • Twilight Fairy Post author

    Sameer – I have a different thought process here. Most marriage portals in today’s world are actually dating portals in conservative Indian settings. This is what I saw from my experiences and others’ as well. But at the end of the day it depends on the ppl behind the profiles interacting with each other. I’ve seen parents/relatives handling profiles and their behaviour is very typically the same as the newspaper classified manner. “Need fair convent educated girl, early marriage preferred” is the bottomline for such ppl. They can definitely not tolerate dating etc. However there are many well educated men/women who handle their profiles themselves and then they don’t mind getting to know each other (for as long as it takes). From my personal experiences on I came to the conclusion that a lot of men out there were looking for casual sex in the desi disguise. Unfortunate but true. Yes there are others who meet decent people as well, but the majority is still of people who take the site and the system for a ride due to its “so many women willing to share their details freely” factor.

  • Twilight Fairy Post author

    Dheeraj – yes that’s very true, people can be very different from what they express on their profile.. and yes most people can be very judgemental. Some people may grow on you slowly bt on such a site don’t stand a chance where first impressions count. All part of the game. The risks come along with it.

  • Terrence

    “Is it a crime if a woman is more successful or smarter than her better half?”

    Absolutely not. My ex made double what I make and I was more than fine with that. We broke up, but that had nothin to do with it that’s for sure.

    As a whole this was a great article.

  • atul

    @twilightfairy, sorry just read your post on FB shared by a friend of mine, girl thats too much frustrations , ego perhaps also you are looking at always down below.Seems you aint looking for a partner who you could settle down with rather going for a comparison of who is better and whether he would be able to take it in case inferior with possessions one needs.

    guess IT made you too object oriented, time to say OOPS now.

    cheers & wishes

  • Twilight Fairy Post author

    Atul – am glad you could perceive so much about me with one post of 1500 words and YET do not want me to have any opinions about those that I MET and interacted with, for a substantial time, for spending my life with. It SEEMS to me that you are one of those hypocritical males who suffered many a rejection at the shelf of the marriage market. Good luck with anyone that you manage to “settle with”

  • atul

    firstly, I never said anything about putting forward a opinion, and secondly I aint in the rejection phase or the marriage market.

    Moreover the entire point of me writing was having a checklist of something else than the possessions someone owns/inherits, which in ‘my opinion’ makes the relation bearable….plus on honest terms I guess after making yourself a success at the professional front somewhere you lacked the sense of people/men..maybe the places to look around.

    Here’s something which comes to my mind ….”People often meet there destiny on the road they take to avoid it.”

    Hope that helps and makes sense

    cheers and luck,

  • Twilight Fairy Post author

    Atul – first things first. If you arent/werent in the marriage market or going through any of this, how do you even know what kind of people or experiences turn up there? “Bandar kya jaane..” etc etc. Secondly you say you are not against opinions but are keen on judging those who have one, because they have one?! Has this post touched some sensitive huge male ego nerve that you are going on after my professional success *assuming* that it made me somehow lack a personal life? If you knew anything about the IT industry, the first thing you would know is that women are a minority there. So much for your “places to look around” or the lack of men/people to interact with. In fact one get too much of unwanted male attention if you ask me.

    Also it’s not like someone’s rejecting your marriage proposal that you are getting so vehement ..It’s your personal comments about me that I completely disagree with & I have every right to do so. Plus, It’s a humourous post for god’s sake. If you dont enjoy it, you know what to do. Click the ‘x’ on the top in the browser window.
    Much thanks for dropping by.

  • Rajnish Ahluwalia

    Twilight Fairy indeed! A shade away from classification. All that you have recounted is true, though only partially. Life is not all about shades of grey. If you are willing for commitment, then some reconciliation, some compromise may be accepted as being on the cards. I am a much older man, married, and with a family to look after. I enjoyed reading your views, and could not help leaving a comment.

  • Himadri Dimri

    Wow, you wrote it all so beautifully 🙂 the woe’s of a single lady! aah searching suitable guys..:( My friend is so stressed these days with the same thing. Her parents like a guy she doesnt like and the guy she likes parents are against him.I wonder when will this marriage thing will be left to guys and girls only. Once they have decided parents should look at the family and go ahead!! right 🙂

  • Aks

    Have you ever thought about the other side of the coin? What about those guys who might want to talk to you, are otherwise decently educated, not misogynists, do have a decent income of their own and are interested in your brains/intelligence, or at least would appreciate the chance to talk…but then oft comes the message, the member has “filtered you”, or, xyz only wants hindu punjabi between ages xy and yz, so what about all of those who don’t really buy into caste shaste, region shegion? I am a south indian who has lived all over india, and it amazes me how parochial most women are on these “matrimonial websites”, and treat it as a “bidders game” or something like a “sotheby’s auction”, where the highest munda with the highest paying job, best caste/shaste quals, who looks like aamir or hrithik gets to talk//converse…evern though in real life he’d be a casanova and absolute jerk. My point is that its not all one way. While I understand your column was tongue in cheek, let me assure you that many men who otherwise consider themselves decent, and would be happy to have an independent, free thinking, self assured, financially secure, working woman as a wife are equally, in fact more, put out by some of the bizarre demands seen on indian matrimonial websites. As matter of fact, my colleagues tell me that you must be nuts to go on these sites because “everybody lies”, wherein of course they are referring to most of the ladies and of course, I must and should return the favor. Be as it may, what if I want to be me? What if I dont want to be fake…well guess what, then you don’t get to meet the girl of your dreams either, because she is chasing “her dream”, irrespective of how that dream may actually be!


  • Aks

    BTW, I didn’t mean to imply that you are one of these people – but by my own reckoning, the vast majority of women on these sites – unfortunately, do fall into some of these categories. Just another perspective, and not a snarky one (I hope). I do happen to suck at online communication.
    BTW, read your laptop travails – thats how I got to your blog. Am thinking bharat desh ke bijli main kuch hain. My compaq is barely hanging on two years after purchase. Already – the battery’s gone, and one HDD has gone as well (Rs 3K for a change).

  • Twilight Fairy Post author

    Hey Aks – yes I do know and often think of those kind of men and honestly am left wondering where they all are! 🙂 To be honest, filters do keep out married men/divorcees/handicapped/uncles of your father’s age hitting on you/free loaders with income 1/10th of yours etc.. So I see no harm in them. I don’t think it’s possible to ascertain the highest paying munda (going only by’s experience here) because they have some ranges, with topmost being xyz & above. Also I definitely check the filtered section as well (like I check my spam folder in mail) because I know there’s a chance of a good match landing in there. Why would your colleagues assume or imply that it’s mostly women who are faking profiles.. it must be happening equally :). And I have horror stories of not only my experiences but also others’ to go by. But yes, the sad part is, there’s little one can do to really believe what is written there as it’s as good as a social networking profile where ppl put in pictures of actors/actresses n try to appear cool. It takes a lot of investment in terms of time to filter out a prospective match & then get on to verify the authenticity (if possible somehow) and then invest emotionally. Given up now! :

  • Twilight Fairy Post author

    Aks – sure :). Wasn’t taking it personally in any case. All laptop providers suck at customer service. There are many more horror stories AFA HP’s service goes which I haven’t mentioned here. I was too fed up. These days I am struggling with apple’s shoddy service! Who says Apple’s the best?!

  • NeoPurush

    some where this post has struck the right chord in most men and women (include me too) otherwise there wouldn’t be so many comments and referrals to this post. Having said that even my brother got married to a girl who earns more than him, but that has never interfered to their relationship in anyways neither does my sis-in-law had any problems so far in 9 years. The fact remains, with financial stability reaching to every women which makes them equal to men there is not reason why she should not have expectations. But in a marriage some one has to compromise traditionally so far it has been women. Think of why our parents marriage has been stable? Who makes more compromises, who gave up career goals most?. (typically,the answer is mom). But question is would men also make compromises be ready to cook, take care of kids and household too. I have seen it happening in Europe, I predict it will happen in India too sooner or later. But As long as the older generation exists nothing is possible, Even if husband and wife are ready to make some compromises padosi and distant family will make sure it is the woman that makes the most. Or else the guy will be called ghar jamai, jodu ka ghulam and what not… we need to wait for another 25 years for this phenomenon to be witnessed.

  • Twilight Fairy Post author

    Hey NeoPurush, thanks for appreciating 🙂 .. Yes, where are those men who share duties equally! I never said they aren’t available, Sadly they seem to be taken and not available on matrimonial sites or through the traditional routes of searching for a spouse. I have a theory that might explain that. Men who have stayed on their own (in or out of India) get what it takes to run a household (mostly). Hence they may be willing to share their responsibilities equally. Basically they can take their decisions independently. And those who can take their decisions independently tend to find a life partner on their own, early on in life. Sigh. 😛

  • NeoPurush

    haha.. I quite agree with the theory part I have an addendum to that theory, may be men who are ready to share responsibilities aren’t not easily acceptable to most women too. I had scared the shit of a girl thanks to your inspirational blog. Only mistake I did that I highlighted bit more upon to share some traditionally manly responsibilities (i.e. fending for family) 😛

  • Twilight Fairy Post author

    NeoPurush – such men aren’t acceptable to most women!! What are u saying? Which woman in her right mind would mind an equal distribution of responsibilities. Can’t imagine anyone like that. Unless the man is a control freak or something 🙂

  • NeoPurush

    haha accurately described may be I was on weed or something..but blame it on me understanding “sharing is caring”, included everything.

  • Twilight Fairy Post author

    Hello ppl, I have just learnt that a lot of you are “listening” to this thread.. so what better an opportunity than this, for some shameless self promotion! :p
    That too in the same context as a wedding :). It’s been some time since I chucked my IT job to turn a freelancer (yes a ‘single’ status lets you take risks like that) and now I am doing.. ahem .. professional photography. That too “fine art wedding photography” amongst other genres of photography, which is different from the traditional form of wedding photography.

    Take a look at my portfolio & share your thoughts – and if you like what you see, you can “like” the FB page too :p

  • vitamin C

    hi…a friend of mine mailed me this link….n the subject was….”meet your twin sister”…..and after reading this blogpost, i’ve realized that the subject cdnt have been better….Carrie Bradshaw is my other twin sister in every aspect except the chronological age off course….just wanted to share my kumbh ka mela experience,thats it….keep writing,,,our glorious indian society needs some real women who actually exercise their brains,,,afterall how long can we be expected to live in a box!!!!

  • Vikram Karve

    Hi Twilightfairy,
    You have asked: Is it a crime if a woman is more successful or smarter than her better half?
    I feel that it all depends on the self-confidence and self-esteem of the husband and also, most importantly, what his definition of success and “smartness” is.
    Only insecure men feel threatened by their wives’ success.
    I loved reading this article.
    Keep writing such insightful pieces.

  • Nazara

    Kind of agree with you about the paramters on which we base the most important choice of our life, but then the parallel universe is the man’s woeful world.

    If i want to marry a succesfull, thinking woman , i necessarily have to be twice as successful as she is …a girl working at a similar designation and lets say earning 40 k a month is considered to be pretty succesfull while a guy drawing 50k(lets say) is a rlative failure for the society, vicious circle

  • Twilight Fairy Post author

    Hi Nazara, yes there must be men tied down with stereotypical expectations too.. In fact I’ve invested time in a relationship with a guy who earned way less than I did and even though he claimed it was not a problem, turned out it was. To him. A big one at that. Needless to say it didn’t work out. But the example that you state (almost equal) should work out well. My theory is that if one starts a relationship when both are at equal levels (school, college, similar jobs) it works out. That’s because by the time differences start creeping in, a certain understanding and request is already in place. I know a lot of men who take time off while the wife earns. They are doing well. I guess it depends on the understanding between the two people (as long as you don’t care what society says).

  • Nazara

    Absolutely, in the long run there’s no reason why a relationship should have anything at all to do with career success, i mean that a variable which changes yearly if not quarterly.
    However it plays the most significant role in the selection process in arranged marriages, and frankly there’s no point in limiting the choice set by such a parameter as long as the two make sense to each other.

    insanely enough the variables of the previous generation manage to maintain there importance as well, too many checkboxes to match, a friend of mine abandoned his startup and joined a MNC for a routine job, purely because startups dont qualify as “settled”

  • Som_31

    You are soo soo right here! I completely agree with each one of ur word here!i m also going through the same ordeal right now and have almost given up. But my family is still on the lookout!
    The parameters that a guy has for getting married r something which i do not understand.

    I, as a girl, was looking for a person who is good natured, sensible and basically a nice person. As far as profession goes, its ok if he earns approx as much as me (for me..its not a big deal if a guy earns less than me but guys dont feel confident abt this.thats my experience!)..i have seen N number of guys now..n m tired of the process..

    recently i met a guy who seemed like a really nice person and we got along v well…but guess what..he finally refused to get married bcoz he said that I was fairer than him and hence, whenever ppl looked at him..he felt inferior or something! i would have understood this if I was Actually beautiful or something! but i m quite average to look at and i found this lack of confidence v shocking coming from a guy who seemed pretty gud on all fronts and esp very sensible as a human being!

    & to share 1 more exprnc..i met a guy who was Phd and had done his education from US and had v high morals n talked v high abt principles n what not n about being educated in a multi-cultural environment..i thought maybe he is indeed a nice guy ..his family was extremely nice to me and we almost had the wedding date fixed. The guy’s father attitude was kind of confusing regd my career as the D day approached , so we asked him whats the issue. He came out clear saying that he expects his Daughter in Law to hand him over all the savings she has done till date from her career and also all her future earnings! My family tried to make him understand,..but he was v adamant on this and finally we decided not to go ahead. and If you look at the family background , they were all v well educated ppl and I had never expected this from them. When i asked the guy if he also felt the same..he simply said he cannot disobey his father!!!simple.

    basically after all belief in this entire arranged marriage thing is not there now. I dont mind meeting a guy if my family wants me to..i treat it casually like a boring , blind date .but i know at least in my mind from the very beginning ki its not going to work out and have no hopes attached!! 😀

    ab toh i m my relatives have told me to start considering divorcees , widowers since i m past my sell by date it ab woh process & torture bhi start hona hai! 😛

  • Twilight Fairy Post author

    Welcome to the club Sowmya and fret not, I am in the same boat 🙂 Eventually I just decided to enjoy life and take it as it comes instead of just getting wasted over something which wasn’t happening in spite of hardest of efforts. I’ve met the kind of double standard people you talk about and even if I were to think for one second that it would work out – I know it won’t. It’s better to be happily single than unhappily married.

  • neo

    hehe it is strange I am a guy and a phd looking to marry since 3 years. now i am 31 and my parents say u are about to go past the expiry date soon. But the girls i end up meeting have so high demands that I say naa ji taubaa.. being single is good enuf.

    looks like people we like to marry are not interested to marry us 🙂 happy hunting ladies 🙂

  • Som_31

    agree with u and i do belive ki hota wahi hai jo manjoore khudha n mere liya acha ho! 🙂
    I would like to believe that maybe god wants to me to meet such people before i meet my life partner (if at all he exists lol) that i can value n respect him more 😉

    n yeah people we want to marry somehow dont seem to be interested to marry us !lol!

  • ven

    I am 33, a masters and let me say women are far more picky than look at looks, at the lady’s ability to gell with them…a bit at the family plus education (independent source of income is good)…and thats about it. Women…my goodness…the ones I have met, caste, creed, daddy says, mommy says…the list goes on and on…as such I have given up on this whole marriage thing! The unreasonable requirements are too much to bother with. I am afraid, most women are looking for Hrithik Roshans with the earning power of a Mukesh Ambani..apparently, normal human beings wont do.