February 9, 2010

It’s a Woe-man’s world

Filed under: creative writing,DesiPundit,personal — Twilight Fairy @ 3:45 pm

Recently Mail Today asked me to write an anecdotal article for them. It got published on 31st Jan’10 (best viewed in IE).  Here’s the unedited version of the article (which has one anecdote extra). Awaiting bouquets/brickbats in comments. :)

It’s a Woe-Man’s world

“Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke”. How else does one explain the umpteen number of smart, intelligent, independent women getting married to chauvinists & changing their entire outlook for that mandatory milestone in life that we call “marriage”? They believe they need to either do that, or get slotted into the “failure” category. I see some of them living double lives – one when they are outside the home and one when they are under scrutiny of their in-laws.

Gone are the days when the typical matrimony setup had the boy’s family visiting the girl’s with the girl coyly handing out tea & demonstrating her obligatory culinary/sewing/singing/knitting (take your pick) skills. Cut to the present – now families meet in public places a.k.a. crowded cafes where the ‘boy’ & the ‘girl’ are given some time alone after both parties size each other in noisy environs & wonder who’ll foot the bill. Most such meetings end up poorly (literally) since there’s hardly any interaction before the two parties meet, no picture exchange, the only conversations on phone being limited to the “elders”. The entire premise is based on the concept of suitable “bio data” where almost everyone writes things like “hobbies – listening to music” and at most horoscope matching. The ‘boy’ & ‘girl’ in question usually squirm under the scrutiny of the opposite party, utter obligatory nonsense and return back with the real picture getting clearer much later with a phone call. One figures that the only “type” one would meet under these circumstances are “mama’s boys”.

A better method still, some “boys” & “girls” and sometimes even entire families, hang around on matrimonial websites a.k.a. glorified dating sites (& other unmentionable terms in a family newspaper). The goal for at least some of us, is to meet educated, employed, decent AND available men (the last being a very important attribute since most available men lack the first three qualities). But the assumption that one would meet such men beyond the realm of their mother’s pallus, shatters soon enough with the kind of experiences one faces on such sites.

Take for instance the typical “orkut fraandsheep request” type users who flock the site, spamming anyone with a profile, after all it takes only a click. Or the freeloaders with a daily income less than the cost of a peanut butter jar, who can’t write to save their life. I’ve been contacted by men between the ages of 21-62, with professions as varied as “Sweeper” to “Zamindar”, marital status ranging from divorcee-with-2-kids to got-married-a-month-back-now-separated. Some weirdos give reasons like “I’ve no problem with the age difference of just 6 months but my parents want an age difference of at least 3 years” as if its the parents who were going to wed me. Some (including the weirdo category) forget having been written off via a previous profile of theirs & reconnect anyway, when they create a new profile all over again. The online world does give freedom of expression but seemingly the parental pallu extends here too at times! Right from being called up early one morning by an NRI who was ensuring that I was female, thanks to a bad experience with a gay masquerading as a girl on a matrimonial site, to hearing about how one “profile user” stole another’s credit card when they met, to people plagiarizing someone elses pictures & passing them off as their own forgetting that SOME day they’ll meet people they contact, to the people one rejects stalking one on ones social networking profiles – I’ve seen it all!

But don’t take me to be “choosy” just yet. I went through the matrimonial process for many years, putting in my entire free time into the search & approached it very methodically. Taking a cue from another “organised user”, to make sense of the information overload, I maintained excel sheets for the various people I contacted & those who contacted me. The sheet got updated daily with the meticulousness & dedication I would assign only to my finances. Talking of finances, I might as well add, working in the IT industry for several years put me in a decent salary bracket & allowed me to possess my own car and house. With time, I moved out of my parents place and started living independently in the aforementioned house & swooshed around the city in the aforementioned car. Now that is considered a very bad move as far as the marriage market is concerned. I instantly got typecasted into the “fiercely independent” category and I could imagine the rejection thought process of the parents of prospective grooms – “live in boyfriends”, “can’t adjust into family”, you get the picture. Having a head between my shoulders, that actually does think & opine, does not help matters either. With time, taking cue from some online matrimonial profiles which stated clearly that they were looking for people earning as much or above their salary level, I added something to that effect in my profile as well. As expected I received mixed results. Some people could identify with it, whereas a lot of others contacted me on the sites only to harass me for the “attitude”. One guy wrote “You have such proud (sic), just coz u have lakshmi ki kripa.” That response was just begging for a reply & got it. I wrote “Yes, I am blessed with Lakshmi ki kripa, but you aren’t even blessed with Saraswati ki kripa — you can’t even write properly!”. Another user with misplaced patriotism contacted me just to tell me “You Pakis! Just go back to your country!” because my profile stated that my grandparents had migrated during partition from what is now Pakistan!

Even the traditional methods like matrimonial ads in newspapers or getting details of eligible matches through family friends & relatives yield similar results. In one particular instance the family seemed great, the “boy” seemed charming & possessed the four above mentioned attributes. Everything seemed just picture perfect. The family wanted to meet me & my parents at their place. Eventually we met & they instantly adopted me as their would-be daughter-in-law. The “boy’s” mom couldn’t stop fawning over me and kept gushing about something or the other. So much sudden love completely freaked me out. But it all fell into place when the hyperexcited mom of the boy in question took me aside & gave me a short lecture about how men are always careless, fickle minded, naughty and give in to temptations and how it was up to “us women”, the honourable creatures who could hold fort in such situations. Later the “boy” confessed to having been caught by his parents in a compromising position with a, well … friend. Ekta Kapoor’s serials had not started then, else the gushing mother in law, would have been quite the perfect caricature!

Even if one ignores the rotten apples, it’s a fact that most men in the marriage market have their expectations arising from the typical image of a wife who is “gharelu”, submissive, doesn’t talk back and “obeys”, perhaps created by the way we are brought up. Didn’t some elders say, TV is the root cause of all evil? It certainly rings true in this context.

Is it a crime if a woman is more successful or smarter than her better half? Well most men take that as a sign of their own failure. Some of my classmates from engineering, well educated people with good family backgrounds, actually wanted a wife who would NOT work after marriage! Strangely they never had a problem dating their own ambitious classmates from college but when it comes to the “wife search” it’s perhaps more about the apprehensions of these men than about the attributes of the women they look for! Surprisingly having a sister who also aspires to be independent doesn’t make any difference when the search for another female family member commences. The hypocrisy continues. I have observed that parents who believe in stereotypes mostly impose them on their progeny too. Someone who has the freedom to make his/her own choices is the kind of person who would also respect his better half’s choices & not get intimidated by them. The search for that kind of someone is still on, but till the time, the elusive groom who fits required attributes and does NOT get intimidated by me, comes, I go by what Carrie Bradshaw says “Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?”


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  1. I couldn’t agree more on the glorified dating part.

    90% of the profiles have low key grammar, most aren’t written by the prospect, but parents and cousins. Those who come out as smart and educated, look for greener pastures, and/or same community marriage.

    Else most are into dating, and wont reply to a profile that looks like coming for a matrimony proposition.

    I think only a fool would consider not marrying a woman more smarter than him, provided she’s also not an egoistic, overly proud person.

    Like you, I too have given up. But I am yet to buy that house and that car. Yet to roam the mumbai streets at night, my bike suffices.

    best wishes..

    Comment by Thakkar — February 9, 2010 @ 5:22 pm

  2. you have given up? I thought men (assuming thakkar is a male) always had much more choice! They can always contact younger women – age no bar :)

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — February 9, 2010 @ 5:25 pm

  3. Agree with you completely. Having an opinion is considered terrible and more so if you go around quoting Rumi and Gibran all through the conversation.
    Its amazing how men are willing to give up relationships over 8 years long, just because their parents’ prestige comes into picture.
    Sacrifice for ma and pitaji is the new trend. Some gumption and the basic need to have a personal opinion is lacking.
    For a cousin who is Ivy educated, the rejection was about over qualification and domination. She is happy to be married to her work today :)

    Comment by RGC — February 9, 2010 @ 6:27 pm

  4. Age no bar? there’s definitely a bar.
    If I may borrow from HIMYM, a male is considered socially ok when he tries to date a woman of age ((N/2)+5), where N is his age.

    When one is turning 29, one is not looking for those models in Levi’s Jeans stores, one is looking for a person he’s comfortable talking to, can connect on an intellectual and emotional level, can sort things out after talking them over, and that, is hard to do with someone much younger.

    My couple of earlier crushes have always been near my age or older, at 6’4″, I tower above all.

    @RGC, (I’m assuming Rehab), Rumi and Gibran is still ok to handle, I talk Dragons and Starships, My offer of Coffee still stands :)

    Comment by Thakkar — February 9, 2010 @ 6:36 pm

  5. Ha! So true about “Surprisingly having a sister who also aspires to be independent doesn’t make any difference when the search for another female family member commences.” When my cousin, who is a couple of years older to us was looking for a ‘match’, he expressed a desire to not see any girls who are in another state/country/away from parents because psst psst they have loose morals. ANd guess what, 5 of us girls in our family(all his mom’s sisters’ daughters) are staying/have stayd away from their parents on their own before they got married, so I guess he thinks we have loose morals!

    Comment by shilpa — February 9, 2010 @ 7:59 pm

  6. whoa.. thakkar is my blogpost becoming an online dating portal? :p

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — February 9, 2010 @ 10:22 pm

  7. Shilpa, What does one do about double standards in ones own family. sigh..

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — February 9, 2010 @ 10:23 pm

  8. Hehe… No, Its not becoming a dating portal, if RGC is indeed Rehab from Twitter, we’ve met offline first :) She’s one of those who loves intense discussions on various things, and I value that quality immensely.

    Shilpa So sorry to hear that. I’ve seen countless families where the Male has a higher curfew limit to return home, and the girl child has a curfew even on education. I recently was in talks with a prospect who’s dad feigned illness so she would leave her pHD and come back to take care of him. He told her only after a Sem drop happened that this was a ruse, else she would not have come.
    Stories like these make me thank the powers that be daily to have given me what all I have today.

    Comment by Thakkar — February 10, 2010 @ 12:39 am

  9. >>Its amazing how men are willing to give up
    >>relationships over 8 years long, just because their
    >>parents’ prestige comes into picture.

    sorry, thats a biased statement…have experienced the other way so its human, not just wo/man :)

    Comment by Kiran — February 10, 2010 @ 9:15 am

  10. I think it is a matter of expectations..if those are too high you would never find a partner… guys are not going to find a girl with looks of Aisharya Rai,brains of Chanda Kochar who would sit at home and raise their kids…girls are not going to find tall,dark, handsome, sensitive, well read , funny with a high fi pay packet? Have reasonable expectations and you would find love….

    Comment by Ruchik — February 10, 2010 @ 1:07 pm

  11. Ruchik – now that’s just an assumption that I (or others in their search) have their expectations too high.

    I in fact went out of my way and set my expectations too low (esp given the intimidation factor). That whole attempt landed on its face and I swore never again to compromise on certain very very basic requirements – the absence of which would ensure that I would never respect my better half.

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — February 10, 2010 @ 1:12 pm

  12. Kiran Agree with you on that, At times I want to scream, hey, I’m marrying your daughter and she’s marrying me, We arent marrying each other’s families :D
    The extended family is a gift, not a burden

    Ruchik I dont think love is an expectations game at all, high or low. If you expect things, there’ll always be trouble sooner or later.
    The first time I put elaborate expectations in the advanced search, the output was zero, in agreement with your theory.
    Most times the people you have a crush on, are just not into me. Having tried to woo someone n times, one would always hurt if they have expectations. If you say “I did this so they should do this”, that’s not how its played. They have a right to say No even if you can steal stars from the sky and find pearls from the bottom of Pacific ocean.

    Relationships are not just about give and take, its finding comfort level with a person where you start feeling what their needs are, and accommodate them, those which you dont agree with, can be discussed out rationally between two adults.

    Our TV serials are full of plots where the Saas says A, Bahu says B and the Husband has to pick in between. Thankfully with the nuclear families concept, such situations are arising less and less, but even when they do arise, cant the Husband and Wife, or the Wife and in law, or the Mom and son talk it out?

    TwilightFairy Apologies if you think I am trolling the thread, its very pertinent to ongoing personal life at moment, so I’m responding actively :)

    Comment by Thakkar — February 10, 2010 @ 2:11 pm

  13. Thakkar – no prob. m waiting for u to find ur love on this very blogpost’s comments section (and then i’ll charge my fees for matchmaking :P) :)

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — February 10, 2010 @ 2:16 pm

  14. Nice post.. At times it does look like “male bashing” but I suppose one should expect it in anecdotal piece. Most women I met also indulge in pretty much the same stuff the men do (essentially “submitting willingly” to the will of the parents/extended family).

    Comment by Ravi — February 10, 2010 @ 5:48 pm

  15. For starters, superbly written. I could empathise with every bit of what you said, barring the gender of course :)

    But on a positive note, there is an increasing acceptance of the confident young woman of today. There is no running away from this fact :)And I would presume forward looking men would have to accept this fact (maybe cringingly at times) and move on.

    Look at it this way. If marriage were to be considered a “team” of 2 partners, there would be more of give and take, and less of ego clashes. Easier said than done I know. But it can be much better than the gharelu setups. Provided the guy too is agreeable!

    My search fortunately is over :)

    Comment by sufferingsocrates — February 10, 2010 @ 6:02 pm

  16. Suffering Socrates said:
    “My search fortunately is over :)”

    hence the suffering :)

    Comment by Thakkar — February 10, 2010 @ 6:42 pm

  17. More power to you!! :)

    Very well written, and I couldn’t agree more. As a so-called ‘eligible girl’ I have men of all kinds flung at my head every day. What I really do not understand is why my insisting on a particular kind of normal joe is taken as a sign of mulish obstinacy, while the same thing from a guy doesn’t even raise an eyebrow.

    I’m an only child who lived away from home for nearly half a decade for my studies and work. As a result, I’m assumed to be a spoiled, home-wrecking harpy who led a wanton life….yeah, don’t I wish!! ;P

    The only relief is that my parents are with me on this….can’t say that for many of my friends.

    Comment by Zahra — February 10, 2010 @ 8:51 pm

  18. Rest assured that there are guys out there who appreciate education and assertiveness in a woman. Thanks for sharing your story — the more people who speak up, the more people will step up.

    Comment by Dave — February 11, 2010 @ 7:53 am

  19. My FIL believes women shouldn’t work as “we’re well off” (ha!) and men will not get jobs if women work. He claims men, even if well off, have to work, because it’s DHARMA. But he didn’t mind getting his son (my husband) married to me – pedigree and wealth. If he was really principled, he should have said no because my mom and I are working women.

    Of course, none of this applies to the wealth the woman brings along – he uses his wife’s income from her lands. (And so do most others who don’t want working wives, etc.) And he’s quite keen to know how much I’ve earned/accumulated – also quite proud to show me off as a DIL in a big company with a high-profile job. It’s nothing to do with my merit, but that he thinks he is worth more for having snagged such an alliance!

    Comment by Lakshmi — February 11, 2010 @ 4:38 pm

  20. Thanks Zahra – I have managed to somehow “train” my parents.. though somewhere they are still very concerned about “log kya kahenge”

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — February 11, 2010 @ 4:43 pm

  21. Thanks for the visit Dave – m on the lookout for such (single) men :) ..

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — February 11, 2010 @ 4:43 pm

  22. Lakshmi – can relate to the hypocrisy. Two of my friends from college (different religion) were seeing each other. Things were all cool but when it came to marriage, the guy’s father threatened suicide! Everything they tried proved futile. Ultimately they had to break a relationship of many years because apparently the couple was making someone else more happy, who in turn had no probs initially but when it comes to “permanency” in relationships, the equations change.

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — February 11, 2010 @ 4:46 pm

  23. Lakshmi – Agree with you. “We’re well off” has got nothing to do with whether someone wants to work or not. From the 90’s Bollywood, there are countless movies on the concept of “Ghar Jamai” and “Adarsh Bahu”, which are hard stereotypes to which our Father’s generation has a strong opinion on.

    Gender’s aside, if anyone has spent a lifetime getting an education, or developing a skill, and wants to use it, who’s the partner to stop it. If they dont want to pursue any job, who’s the partner to demand it.

    If there are genuine concerns/problems in the family, they can mutually decide and sort it out. If the commitments to raising a family are satisfied, I think marriage is a 50% partnership.

    Equal Rights, Equal responsibilities.

    TwilightFairy Any tips on training, I need to get mine off my back :) (29 saal ka ho gaya hain, 30 cross kiya to koi apni ladki bhi nahin dega – mah sweet granny)

    Comment by Thakkar — February 11, 2010 @ 5:03 pm

  24. Thakkar – tips on what?! Had I any gyaan to impart, I wouldnt be writing such anecdotes :p.. but all I can say is (which is valid for any relationship for that matter) give freedom and respect. All restrictions one would want to impose should be valid for oneself too.

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — February 11, 2010 @ 5:06 pm

  25. Tips for training parents re :P

    Comment by Thakkar — February 11, 2010 @ 5:08 pm

  26. Thakkar – oh.. basically reiterate what I already told u :p .. everything expected of me is valid for them too. In their zamana they never had all this horoscope matching and stuff.. now suddenly its the rage. Refusal to comply with the dhakiyanoosi taur tareeke helps :p I told them clearly that I would meet guys on my own terms. The yes or no is upto me and will NOT be dictated by which relative referred the family etc.

    BTW they really liked my article in Mail Today :)

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — February 11, 2010 @ 5:11 pm

  27. TF
    Like our 1st loves, which leave us heartbroken, our parents also love us with expectations. When they refer the 1st prospect they decide is ideal, and it gets rejected, they are heart broken.

    In long term, after hearing the “You’re nice guys, but lets just be friends in this matter” speech they get satisfied that we are part of their lives and accept us on our terms.

    Somehow this sounds familier. :)

    Comment by Thakkar — February 11, 2010 @ 5:39 pm

  28. yeah i agree on all you have written.It reminded me of instances that turned me off like “An advocate girl expected to leave the job for marriage”,or the 2 facets most indian married girls do liveI even d add all the fuss on changing a girl’s name after she gets married.Just call a man by some other name for a few mins n he gets irritated..be it the kinda attire or the way we speak or anything that can be changed in us,they want that.Hell its better to stay single forever!!;)
    oh i hope u have figured out i am a girl..huh:)

    Comment by avani — February 12, 2010 @ 3:41 pm

  29. I can see a lot of frustration in your blog.but not all men expect a wife who is less smarter or makes less money than him. I have atleast 3 of my friends where the lady makes more money and more educated.About dating a woman who is elder than the guy part,once India is free of taboos, thats when it will be solved :).Well, dont give up, coz there are still a log of good ones in my species.btw thanks for the views ladies,I will try to delete my “online matri” profile :)

    Comment by Krishna — February 13, 2010 @ 1:09 am

  30. Ms. Fairy, i feel, the number of eligible boys for today’s employed, intelligent, confident girls is far far less than the requirement.
    Most of the girls have to adjust with the available stuff.
    Moreover, boys are being educated & trained to become obedient, hardworking employee of a MNC, unlike earlier generation people, whose priority was to acquire knoledge for their livelyhood & lead a good life with his lady he love.

    Comment by bijoy — February 13, 2010 @ 8:34 pm

  31. Wow, tht ws some article !! Nice way of putting things in perspective…:)

    Comment by Rubin S Cherian — February 15, 2010 @ 8:03 pm

  32. Felt extreme urge to present the other side of the story.. Have been going through the same process and sites for last 6 – 8 months. And for me its always the same story: the gud ones are taken; whatever left of them wont even think of looking at anything remotely below their (extremely high) expectation, and those interested are not remotely near my criteria.

    Slowly coming to believe that a gud partner is almost as difficult as finding a bungalow in Antarctica. Well to suite my objective I have specifically presented my earning to be less than what it is (to eradicate the gold diggers) and presented the crazier side of myself (being a marketing professional wanted to promote the self that I want to be prominent in future) – and … lesser and lesser females responding.

    Amazing I thot virginity is a criteria males fuss upon, yet most unmarried females (even if in their late 30’s) aspire to mary unmarried males only!

    Any thot on these?

    Comment by Horus / Indrajit — February 23, 2010 @ 4:34 pm

  33. I can so relate myself with it..the only sad part is that I gave in and now feel miserable ..I feel so jealous of my unmarried friends and at the same time feel pity on the ones wanting to get married ..wish I could turn back time… I love what bradshaw said ..stay single stay happy..

    Comment by can't give out — February 28, 2010 @ 5:21 pm

  34. Nice post..seems you’re expecting too much from am men which is not possible in todays world..so try to have some less expectations and have a happy family life..:)

    Comment by Kiran — March 4, 2010 @ 9:43 pm

  35. Kiran – am wondering how u reached any conclusion about what I am expecting when I havent even written about it anywhere!
    In fact I have tried compromising and it turned out to be a disaster. I figure its better to stay unmarried than compromise about some very very basic stuff. If I can not respect the guy, there’s no point in being married to him.

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — March 4, 2010 @ 10:16 pm

  36. You are absolutely correct, Ms. Twilight Fairy. Marriage is not a business in which compromise or negotiations are possible. If a girl or a boy cannot accept the other, marriage is not possible. Things get worse when compromise occurs. It’s better not to happen marriage than compromise.

    Comment by Bijoy — March 6, 2010 @ 3:41 pm

  37. Nice article Twilight. Reminds me of my search for a partner via similar channels. It took all of 3 years but I must say it was worth the effort and the wait. I am glad that I didn’t compromise on core/basic things.

    I still remember getting a one hour sermon from a girl I’d met through a matrimonial site. She had the impression that I was aiming too high and I should start drastically lower my expectations. Well, if I’d let go of my core/basic expectations then it would’ve been better not to marry at all.

    I’d also like to add that I agree with @Horus/Indrajit – most of the good ones are taken. It’s difficult finding the right resonance.

    Comment by Amit — March 10, 2010 @ 2:06 am

  38. Excellent write up. I actually started a blog sometime back just on this issue but sadly gave it up because of time crunch (shameless plus http://shubhmangalsavdhan.blogspot.com/). At times, the phrase “Truth is stranger than fiction” befits my experiences to the last t. I have given up expecting decent behavior from most of the men. Though they may believe in equality, graduated from some of the elite schools of the world, want an educated bride etc, their actual behavior makes me want to start a class on basic manners and etiquette.

    Comment by cusoon — March 13, 2010 @ 2:26 am

  39. I so relate to the sometimes funny, sometimes horrendous but mostly irritating frogs (with their families) one has to meet to find someone who doesn’t feel like life handed you a big compromise.I totally agree with you on the ‘No compromise’ on traits that define if you respect a person or not.

    Thumbs up for your attitude girl :) I hope and pray that marriage or no marriage you don’t have to give up on your core beliefs :) and your independence.

    Cheers,
    KR

    Comment by Kusum Rohra — March 14, 2010 @ 12:23 am

  40. Hard to disagree, especially with the anecdotes sprinkled across the post (and comments too). Wouldn’t it be smarter to build a matrimonial site or equivalent forum that borrows from the aforementioned collective experiences?

    Just wondering.

    Meanwhile wish you the best in finding a suitable suitor, non-repulsive in all said categories.

    Comment by theishu — March 16, 2010 @ 1:08 am

  41. There’s an article in The Hindu abt matrimonial background investigation services, which was simply begging to be forwarded.

    http://beta.thehindu.com/life-and-style/article257072.ece?homepage=true

    Comment by theishu — March 19, 2010 @ 2:16 am

  42. Great post, Twilight. Came here through Rashmi’s blog. Since I have been through the same process for the past 2 years, I can say most of what you have written is true. I can probably write an entire book on this topic. If you think the situation is any better for us guys, I can assure you thats not the case. Below is a brief sample of what I have encountered so far –

    1) The Photoshopped beauties – girls who appear to be the epitome of feminine beauty in their profile but in real life are more hairy than Anil Kapoor (just kidding), though the girl in question did have really prominent whiskers ;-)

    2) The Visa hunters – Girls who are actually hunting for a US visa, the husband is incidental.

    3) The traditional family types – Parents who stone-wall all attempts to even talk with the girl directly. (Hamare yahan yeh sab nahin hota hai) And the girl in question was a Sales Manager who interacts regularly with hundreds of people in her line of work. So she is allowed to talk to everyone except her prospective husband.

    How I wish I could write a follow-up to your article giving the male perspective, if nothing else just to restore the balance :)

    Comment by nic — March 21, 2010 @ 4:06 pm

  43. Oh Fairy, you scare me :)

    I turned 25 a few months back, and my parents are getting all geared up to find a girl. And I’m getting geared up to deal with rejection.

    This is worse than the time I had to face campus placement interviews!

    This post being over a month old, I’d really like to know if there’re any updates.

    Cheers,
    Chaitanya.

    Comment by chaitanya — March 21, 2010 @ 5:46 pm

  44. Thanks nic. Oh I know guys would have somewhat similar experiences.. after all there are cheats all around. But even then, their experiences would not be half as shocking as what women come across (or at least what I have come across) :)

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — March 22, 2010 @ 12:03 am

  45. Chaitanya – the post may be a month old but the experiences are years old :). I am not active on any matrimonial sites now. There are no updates on my end either.

    But don’t get so nervous about the process! I remember the first time I had to meet a guy like this, I had the same thoughts (about it being worse than job interviews)..but then one just plunges into it, sees the hilarity of it all and goes along with the flow. One thing that I had made sure before meeting “arranged matches” was to meet guys only on the condition that my parents would not try to influence my decision. If I said no, it would mean no irrespective of whatever good or bad points the guy or his family may have. Make sure you have the freedom to say no! I know far too many cases of people who succumb to pressure and later repent for the rest of their lives.

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — March 22, 2010 @ 12:07 am

  46. I am happy that somebody really did share the kind of experience you face on social networking sites and on matrimonial sites.

    Why gender bias ? This holds true for both the genders.

    Comment by navin — April 5, 2010 @ 8:53 pm

  47. Ha…tell me about it.
    “One wife divorced, two children divorced”, and the cad wanted a virgin wife who would quit her job and look after his mother.
    Men!!!! I wish I swung the other way sometimes……

    http://amapuna.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/kissing-toads/

    Comment by astatine — April 8, 2010 @ 8:14 am

  48. the travails of a single man are no worse. atleast one who seeks to shun the arranged marriage route. atleast in india it begins with, where do we meet single women :)

    unfortunately i am not as talented as you, neither do i possess such observational skills… else there is a story there…

    Comment by theidiot — April 30, 2010 @ 2:33 pm

  49. Interesting post. More than the woes an independent woman has to face in the matrimony battle, the internet product manager in me found it to be a great customer feedback for these matrimony sites. Considering the new confident and independent generation of people like you; and the archaic systems Indian society follows when it comes to marriage, this becomes a million dollar opportunity for entrepreneurs. SimplyMarry.com, coupl.in are the niche sites in this area, and I guess this post makes a perfect insight for these guys on what is the exact problem that they should be solving :)

    Comment by Vibhushan — May 9, 2010 @ 2:36 pm

  50. Interesting article – despite the detailed profile it is sometimes impossible to figure out the attitude of the guys.What kind of questions do you think can bring out the ‘mama’s boy’ out of the closet ;)
    May be we will add such Qs on coupl.in

    Comment by Vivek Krishna — May 10, 2010 @ 10:41 am

  51. I love the fact that u spoke so much about what I really believe in and what ive been quite freely preaching to all and sundry…
    When it comes to marriage, even the men who consider themselves independent and modern become mama’s little boys and toe the ‘stereotyped’ line..
    Methinks a major prob lies in women too…why are they so fiercely independent…and then suddenly turn into pati vrata types? Is it necessary to fit into all stereotypes, why cant we break them?
    Ive been called a man-hating feminist for my views…altho I think most men are just scared that their wives will steal their thunder…
    For the record…am also still hunting for mr rite..or mr equal rite (shud i say)…let me kno when urs ends…
    Cheers!

    Comment by Joanna — May 12, 2010 @ 7:52 pm

  52. […] woman’s woes May 13th, 2010 by couplin. Read this interesting article by twilight fairy who thinks there are no longer any good men on the matrimonial sites.They males […]

    Pingback by A woman’s woes – coupl.in — May 13, 2010 @ 8:06 pm

  53. very well said and understood… its a vicious circle ……cant blame neone…… v r all a part of the same thing….

    Comment by anurag — May 20, 2010 @ 6:03 pm

  54. It was an interesting blog. Strangely I have been in to the “marriage market” for over an year. It has been pretty much the same as yours. except that I am a man looking for a woman. I never knew women also have the same experience as men.

    Nice blog ..keep it up.

    Comment by purush — May 21, 2010 @ 1:30 pm

  55. Very well written. Brought back memories from 10 years ago when I was going through the whole marriage thing.

    After my MBA I landed a great job and was living by myself in Bombay. And my parents bombarded me to no end with bio datas of all sorts of ‘suitable boys’, some of whom I dutifully met for lunch dates. Nothing ever did come out of those meetings, mainly because I was seeing someone else. He didnt have a stellar job at that point, which meant we couldn’t tell my parents. But eventually we did and are still very happily married 10 years later.

    So to all those still looking, don’t despair. Things will work out sooner or later and you will have some amusing tales from this time to tell your grandkids :)

    Comment by wordsmith — June 1, 2010 @ 4:40 am

  56. wordsmith congratulations! :) and lucky you, you din have to enter this being “on the shelf in the market” phase :P

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — June 1, 2010 @ 11:14 pm

  57. i started following ur tweets as found quite a few of them interesting and with gud humor… however never visited ur site … my first chance and wooo… what a post.. bang on what i feel! cool one… for penning it down just perfectly!

    Comment by Yesha / Purplespell — June 3, 2010 @ 11:39 pm

  58. Excuss pliss, How much is the one jar peanut butter to be costing? Is more than Amul? Desi ghee also? And where you getting this? Also, any substitoot for this… like simpel peanuts?

    What is, I am toh ejucated, amployed and verry decent and all the time avlabel. I am working loader in Gurgaon factry. But not free haan… fulltoo salry I am getting.

    But what to do, up to now single only. I am thinking is bcos I not have the one jar peanut butter.

    After I reading your blog I am speeking my bajuwala kirana. But he toh is saying not noing peanut butter only. But I am thinking how this. He toh verry happily married with most bewtiful wife! I am thinking he having many many jars peanut butter; not telling raskal fellow.

    So you pliss help haan behnji. I sure call you my mareage! (“,)

    Comment by Eedaa — June 21, 2010 @ 6:00 pm

  59. Eedaa – gosh appreciate the deliberate eeengleesh effort! :)

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — June 21, 2010 @ 10:32 pm

  60. As a marketing consultant, I was recently contacted by yet another ‘marriage-making-portal’. (Yes – they don’t get it !)

    Imagine the plight of these business owners. The content on these portals (their products) are pathetic. Sure – some of them are packaged well. But common – who’re we kidding here.

    Which brings me to an interesting social question – will YOU (for what you are as an Individual) be open to putting up enough information about yourself that you could possibly be contacted by a smart lad worthy of himself (and you apparently). For a date.

    I’m not saying Smith-from -Hitch kinda fellow – but someone who’s mature, fun, and with a good sense of humor.

    Assuming your answer is a yes – Facebook’s $15Bn Valuation is under threat. Cause there’s definitely a possibility of a very high profile match making service in India. If your answer is a No – how do you suggest a guy (of the caliber suggested earlier) find himself a suitable mate.

    There’s always a possibility that such guys simply don’t exist in the Real World. Which almost every single male in our country would not accept.

    cheers,
    Sam

    Comment by Sameer — October 4, 2010 @ 9:29 am

  61. Sameer – all these matrimonial sites already include loads of data about a person which ultimately results in “wanting to go on a date” with that person.. isnt that what they are all about already!

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — October 4, 2010 @ 10:11 am

  62. Well, this topic intrigued me…..I couldn’t give much time to read this blog, but skimmed it……I would definitely come back to this blog and will reply it with a more comprehensive answer. All i want to say now is that it seems the traditional marriage in India is ridiculous and irritating, but still It has survived through few generations and more or less it is also happening in the current generation and easily can go till one more generation…why it is so? I know fundamentals of the traditional arranged marriage sounds totally illogical, but still why people following that. It is by compulsion or by choice? I will give my broader view once I read your blog carefully.

    Comment by dheeraj — October 4, 2010 @ 11:45 pm

  63. when I don’t it is that bad as yet. It was really that ridiculous why wouldn’t we have broken that tradition. Why is it so tough to break away? every guy and girl reading this would agree that the system is ridiculous and yet follow the same system to find a mate. Aren’t we hypo critic in doing so?

    Comment by purush — October 5, 2010 @ 1:32 am

  64. dheeraj, Purush, please note – the post isnt abt love vs arranged marriage. it’s abt the mentality of men towards women they search for a lifetime partnership

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — October 5, 2010 @ 1:35 am

  65. Well @twilightfairy,Sorry for not understanding the theme of post on the first go. Its totally about your experience of groom search, and though you have gone through this process comprehensively, you came to know so many facts about what Current Indian available men are like, what their requirements are, what their outlook towards a working girl.
    Well, What can I comment on your experiences. Your experiences throw a picture of current mentality of our society. Many other girls would have gone similar or even more weird experiences than you. I consider groom and bride search through media is very confusing in the nature. You have hundreds of profile and at the same time our profile is accessible to hundreds of people. People who are really unknown to us. Actually only few people are successfully got their partners through these media without much labor and harsh reality of our society. Actually based on how much I can understand I can say that this process is totally unnatural so some person may seem to be weird if you know him/her for a small time span. Oppositely same person will be normal for others who have been with them since a long time. So, In profile based partner search procedure one should clearly specify what lifestyle one is looking for and be ready to get weird responses and ignore them. I am sure there are many men who can find you a very good life partner and respect(not intimidation) you for your education/profession and ideas. I think mutual respect is the backbone of any relationship. In case of arranged marriage, one can not take a long time and judge the compatibility and future is always unknown for everybody. So without much worrying about future one should look for initial respect and compatible bio-data(lifestyle) and physical outlook if it is necessary for the applicant. Also outlook towards life is important. What are the priorities in one’s life. What is one’s approach towards life.
    I couldn’t understand meaning of education. On what criterion one can say a person educated. Degrees, work experience, quantity and quality of projects one has handled can’t be measure of education. One’s approach in life and priorities are important. A beggar can be educated if he has learned to balance between all aspects of his life. Life is a journey. Sorry for getting diverted from topic. At last, I want to say there are many good men around for you. Please don’t judge the whole category from the samples you have seen and also don’t dishearten (:)). Look for the person who respect you. Leave rest on future and the journey so called life. Respect means understanding.
    And there is one personal request. If possible change the background color of blogs. It is little inconvenient to read white text in red background.

    Comment by dheeraj — October 5, 2010 @ 2:48 am

  66. I was trying to be more politically correct in putting forward what I had in mind. Personally ever since i have been in the marriage market (for more than a year now).. I have noticed it not just men who got high expectations it is also women. I have encountered some women with ridiculously high expectations often put forward very gently. I am not here as male chauvinist but it is would be better to give a complete story.
    or i might end up writing one perhaps some day in near future ;) (BTW, urs is a nice write up!)

    Comment by purush — October 5, 2010 @ 3:37 am

  67. Twilightfairy(perhaps you should publish your real name here) – to clarify – a date is not intended to gravitate towards commitment. All marriage portals are designed to get you ‘married’ – not set you up on a date. Going out for a lunch at McDonalds with your entire family and hers doesn’t classify as a date.

    It’s good to see many comments after me automatically assume this is a Love vs. Arranged marriage debate. Sorry folks – I only questioned the author’s judgment of how men treat women. The point is we’re all judgmental – its just that we go with what info is available about that person. (anyone reading this will already be judging me)

    The fact still remains that its a risk-reward funda. If you put yourself out there – you might get burnt, but there’s a better chance of finding something worthy. The call that each of us has to take is what we define as ‘putting ourselves out there’.

    cheers,
    Sam

    Comment by Sameer — October 5, 2010 @ 10:28 am

  68. Sameer – I have a different thought process here. Most marriage portals in today’s world are actually dating portals in conservative Indian settings. This is what I saw from my experiences and others’ as well. But at the end of the day it depends on the ppl behind the profiles interacting with each other. I’ve seen parents/relatives handling profiles and their behaviour is very typically the same as the newspaper classified manner. “Need fair convent educated girl, early marriage preferred” is the bottomline for such ppl. They can definitely not tolerate dating etc. However there are many well educated men/women who handle their profiles themselves and then they don’t mind getting to know each other (for as long as it takes). From my personal experiences on shaadi.com I came to the conclusion that a lot of men out there were looking for casual sex in the desi disguise. Unfortunate but true. Yes there are others who meet decent people as well, but the majority is still of people who take the site and the system for a ride due to its “so many women willing to share their details freely” factor.

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — October 5, 2010 @ 1:31 pm

  69. Dheeraj – yes that’s very true, people can be very different from what they express on their profile.. and yes most people can be very judgemental. Some people may grow on you slowly bt on such a site don’t stand a chance where first impressions count. All part of the game. The risks come along with it.

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — October 5, 2010 @ 1:32 pm

  70. “Is it a crime if a woman is more successful or smarter than her better half?”

    Absolutely not. My ex made double what I make and I was more than fine with that. We broke up, but that had nothin to do with it that’s for sure.

    As a whole this was a great article.

    Comment by Terrence — October 22, 2010 @ 7:01 am

  71. @twilightfairy, sorry just read your post on FB shared by a friend of mine, girl thats too much frustrations , ego perhaps also you are looking at always down below.Seems you aint looking for a partner who you could settle down with rather going for a comparison of who is better and whether he would be able to take it in case inferior with possessions one needs.

    guess IT made you too object oriented, time to say OOPS now.

    cheers & wishes

    Comment by atul — December 21, 2010 @ 4:27 pm

  72. Atul – am glad you could perceive so much about me with one post of 1500 words and YET do not want me to have any opinions about those that I MET and interacted with, for a substantial time, for spending my life with. It SEEMS to me that you are one of those hypocritical males who suffered many a rejection at the shelf of the marriage market. Good luck with anyone that you manage to “settle with”

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — December 21, 2010 @ 6:38 pm

  73. firstly, I never said anything about putting forward a opinion, and secondly I aint in the rejection phase or the marriage market.

    Moreover the entire point of me writing was having a checklist of something else than the possessions someone owns/inherits, which in ‘my opinion’ makes the relation bearable….plus on honest terms I guess after making yourself a success at the professional front somewhere you lacked the sense of people/men..maybe the places to look around.

    Here’s something which comes to my mind ….”People often meet there destiny on the road they take to avoid it.”

    Hope that helps and makes sense

    cheers and luck,
    atul

    Comment by atul — December 21, 2010 @ 6:56 pm

  74. Atul – first things first. If you arent/werent in the marriage market or going through any of this, how do you even know what kind of people or experiences turn up there? “Bandar kya jaane..” etc etc. Secondly you say you are not against opinions but are keen on judging those who have one, because they have one?! Has this post touched some sensitive huge male ego nerve that you are going on after my professional success *assuming* that it made me somehow lack a personal life? If you knew anything about the IT industry, the first thing you would know is that women are a minority there. So much for your “places to look around” or the lack of men/people to interact with. In fact one get too much of unwanted male attention if you ask me.

    Also it’s not like someone’s rejecting your marriage proposal that you are getting so vehement ..It’s your personal comments about me that I completely disagree with & I have every right to do so. Plus, It’s a humourous post for god’s sake. If you dont enjoy it, you know what to do. Click the ‘x’ on the top in the browser window.
    Much thanks for dropping by.

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — December 21, 2010 @ 7:19 pm

  75. Twilight Fairy indeed! A shade away from classification. All that you have recounted is true, though only partially. Life is not all about shades of grey. If you are willing for commitment, then some reconciliation, some compromise may be accepted as being on the cards. I am a much older man, married, and with a family to look after. I enjoyed reading your views, and could not help leaving a comment.

    Comment by Rajnish Ahluwalia — April 1, 2011 @ 10:26 pm

  76. Thanks for the visit Rajnish

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — April 1, 2011 @ 11:12 pm

  77. Wow, you wrote it all so beautifully :) the woe’s of a single lady! aah searching suitable guys..:( My friend is so stressed these days with the same thing. Her parents like a guy she doesnt like and the guy she likes parents are against him.I wonder when will this marriage thing will be left to guys and girls only. Once they have decided parents should look at the family and go ahead!! right :)

    Comment by Himadri Dimri — May 9, 2011 @ 4:54 pm

  78. Have you ever thought about the other side of the coin? What about those guys who might want to talk to you, are otherwise decently educated, not misogynists, do have a decent income of their own and are interested in your brains/intelligence, or at least would appreciate the chance to talk…but then oft comes the message, the member has “filtered you”, or, xyz only wants hindu punjabi between ages xy and yz, so what about all of those who don’t really buy into caste shaste, region shegion? I am a south indian who has lived all over india, and it amazes me how parochial most women are on these “matrimonial websites”, and treat it as a “bidders game” or something like a “sotheby’s auction”, where the highest munda with the highest paying job, best caste/shaste quals, who looks like aamir or hrithik gets to talk//converse…evern though in real life he’d be a casanova and absolute jerk. My point is that its not all one way. While I understand your column was tongue in cheek, let me assure you that many men who otherwise consider themselves decent, and would be happy to have an independent, free thinking, self assured, financially secure, working woman as a wife are equally, in fact more, put out by some of the bizarre demands seen on indian matrimonial websites. As matter of fact, my colleagues tell me that you must be nuts to go on these sites because “everybody lies”, wherein of course they are referring to most of the ladies and of course, I must and should return the favor. Be as it may, what if I want to be me? What if I dont want to be fake…well guess what, then you don’t get to meet the girl of your dreams either, because she is chasing “her dream”, irrespective of how that dream may actually be!

    Cheers!

    Comment by Aks — May 17, 2011 @ 2:00 am

  79. Thanks Himadri :)

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — May 17, 2011 @ 2:05 am

  80. BTW, I didn’t mean to imply that you are one of these people – but by my own reckoning, the vast majority of women on these sites – unfortunately, do fall into some of these categories. Just another perspective, and not a snarky one (I hope). I do happen to suck at online communication.
    BTW, read your laptop travails – thats how I got to your blog. Am thinking bharat desh ke bijli main kuch hain. My compaq is barely hanging on two years after purchase. Already – the battery’s gone, and one HDD has gone as well (Rs 3K for a change).

    Comment by Aks — May 17, 2011 @ 2:07 am

  81. Hey Aks – yes I do know and often think of those kind of men and honestly am left wondering where they all are! :) To be honest, filters do keep out married men/divorcees/handicapped/uncles of your father’s age hitting on you/free loaders with income 1/10th of yours etc.. So I see no harm in them. I don’t think it’s possible to ascertain the highest paying munda (going only by shaadi.com’s experience here) because they have some ranges, with topmost being xyz & above. Also I definitely check the filtered section as well (like I check my spam folder in mail) because I know there’s a chance of a good match landing in there. Why would your colleagues assume or imply that it’s mostly women who are faking profiles.. it must be happening equally :). And I have horror stories of not only my experiences but also others’ to go by. But yes, the sad part is, there’s little one can do to really believe what is written there as it’s as good as a social networking profile where ppl put in pictures of actors/actresses n try to appear cool. It takes a lot of investment in terms of time to filter out a prospective match & then get on to verify the authenticity (if possible somehow) and then invest emotionally. Given up now! :\

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — May 17, 2011 @ 2:14 am

  82. Aks – sure :). Wasn’t taking it personally in any case. All laptop providers suck at customer service. There are many more horror stories AFA HP’s service goes which I haven’t mentioned here. I was too fed up. These days I am struggling with apple’s shoddy service! Who says Apple’s the best?!

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — May 17, 2011 @ 2:16 am

  83. some where this post has struck the right chord in most men and women (include me too) otherwise there wouldn’t be so many comments and referrals to this post. Having said that even my brother got married to a girl who earns more than him, but that has never interfered to their relationship in anyways neither does my sis-in-law had any problems so far in 9 years. The fact remains, with financial stability reaching to every women which makes them equal to men there is not reason why she should not have expectations. But in a marriage some one has to compromise traditionally so far it has been women. Think of why our parents marriage has been stable? Who makes more compromises, who gave up career goals most?. (typically,the answer is mom). But question is would men also make compromises be ready to cook, take care of kids and household too. I have seen it happening in Europe, I predict it will happen in India too sooner or later. But As long as the older generation exists nothing is possible, Even if husband and wife are ready to make some compromises padosi and distant family will make sure it is the woman that makes the most. Or else the guy will be called ghar jamai, jodu ka ghulam and what not… we need to wait for another 25 years for this phenomenon to be witnessed.

    Comment by NeoPurush — May 17, 2011 @ 2:29 am

  84. Hey NeoPurush, thanks for appreciating :) .. Yes, where are those men who share duties equally! I never said they aren’t available, Sadly they seem to be taken and not available on matrimonial sites or through the traditional routes of searching for a spouse. I have a theory that might explain that. Men who have stayed on their own (in or out of India) get what it takes to run a household (mostly). Hence they may be willing to share their responsibilities equally. Basically they can take their decisions independently. And those who can take their decisions independently tend to find a life partner on their own, early on in life. Sigh. :P

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — May 17, 2011 @ 2:44 am

  85. haha.. I quite agree with the theory part I have an addendum to that theory, may be men who are ready to share responsibilities aren’t not easily acceptable to most women too. I had scared the shit of a girl thanks to your inspirational blog. Only mistake I did that I highlighted bit more upon to share some traditionally manly responsibilities (i.e. fending for family) :P

    Comment by NeoPurush — May 17, 2011 @ 2:56 am

  86. NeoPurush – such men aren’t acceptable to most women!! What are u saying? Which woman in her right mind would mind an equal distribution of responsibilities. Can’t imagine anyone like that. Unless the man is a control freak or something :)

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — May 17, 2011 @ 3:00 am

  87. haha accurately described may be I was on weed or something..but blame it on me understanding “sharing is caring”, included everything.

    Comment by NeoPurush — May 17, 2011 @ 3:08 am

  88. Hello ppl, I have just learnt that a lot of you are “listening” to this thread.. so what better an opportunity than this, for some shameless self promotion! :p
    That too in the same context as a wedding :). It’s been some time since I chucked my IT job to turn a freelancer (yes a ‘single’ status lets you take risks like that) and now I am doing.. ahem .. professional photography. That too “fine art wedding photography” amongst other genres of photography, which is different from the traditional form of wedding photography.

    Take a look at my portfolio & share your thoughts – http://www.priyankasachar.com and if you like what you see, you can “like” the FB page too :p http://www.facebook.com/photography.fineart

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — May 18, 2011 @ 2:33 am

  89. hi…a friend of mine mailed me this link….n the subject was….”meet your twin sister”…..and after reading this blogpost, i’ve realized that the subject cdnt have been better….Carrie Bradshaw is my other twin sister in every aspect except the chronological age off course….just wanted to share my kumbh ka mela experience,thats it….keep writing,,,our glorious indian society needs some real women who actually exercise their brains,,,afterall how long can we be expected to live in a box!!!!

    Comment by vitamin C — May 29, 2011 @ 11:50 pm

  90. Vitamin C, I do know some other women going through the same ordeal.. maybe we need to form a club :p

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — May 30, 2011 @ 12:52 am

  91. Hi Twilightfairy,
    You have asked: Is it a crime if a woman is more successful or smarter than her better half?
    I feel that it all depends on the self-confidence and self-esteem of the husband and also, most importantly, what his definition of success and “smartness” is.
    Only insecure men feel threatened by their wives’ success.
    I loved reading this article.
    Keep writing such insightful pieces.
    Regards
    Vikram

    Comment by Vikram Karve — March 1, 2012 @ 2:06 pm

  92. Kind of agree with you about the paramters on which we base the most important choice of our life, but then the parallel universe is the man’s woeful world.

    If i want to marry a succesfull, thinking woman , i necessarily have to be twice as successful as she is …a girl working at a similar designation and lets say earning 40 k a month is considered to be pretty succesfull while a guy drawing 50k(lets say) is a rlative failure for the society, vicious circle

    Comment by Nazara — July 26, 2012 @ 4:03 pm

  93. Thanks Vikram :)

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — July 26, 2012 @ 4:11 pm

  94. Hi Nazara, yes there must be men tied down with stereotypical expectations too.. In fact I’ve invested time in a relationship with a guy who earned way less than I did and even though he claimed it was not a problem, turned out it was. To him. A big one at that. Needless to say it didn’t work out. But the example that you state (almost equal) should work out well. My theory is that if one starts a relationship when both are at equal levels (school, college, similar jobs) it works out. That’s because by the time differences start creeping in, a certain understanding and request is already in place. I know a lot of men who take time off while the wife earns. They are doing well. I guess it depends on the understanding between the two people (as long as you don’t care what society says).

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — July 26, 2012 @ 4:16 pm

  95. Absolutely, in the long run there’s no reason why a relationship should have anything at all to do with career success, i mean that a variable which changes yearly if not quarterly.
    However it plays the most significant role in the selection process in arranged marriages, and frankly there’s no point in limiting the choice set by such a parameter as long as the two make sense to each other.

    insanely enough the variables of the previous generation manage to maintain there importance as well, too many checkboxes to match, a friend of mine abandoned his startup and joined a MNC for a routine job, purely because startups dont qualify as “settled”

    Comment by Nazara — July 26, 2012 @ 5:11 pm

  96. You are soo soo right here! I completely agree with each one of ur word here!i m also going through the same ordeal right now and have almost given up. But my family is still on the lookout!
    The parameters that a guy has for getting married r something which i do not understand.

    I, as a girl, was looking for a person who is good natured, sensible and basically a nice person. As far as profession goes, its ok if he earns approx as much as me (for me..its not a big deal if a guy earns less than me but guys dont feel confident abt this.thats my experience!)..i have seen N number of guys now..n m tired of the process..

    recently i met a guy who seemed like a really nice person and we got along v well…but guess what..he finally refused to get married bcoz he said that I was fairer than him and hence, whenever ppl looked at him..he felt inferior or something! i would have understood this if I was Actually beautiful or something! but i m quite average to look at and i found this lack of confidence v shocking coming from a guy who seemed pretty gud on all fronts and esp very sensible as a human being!

    & to share 1 more exprnc..i met a guy who was Phd and had done his education from US and had v high morals n talked v high abt principles n what not n about being educated in a multi-cultural environment..i thought maybe he is indeed a nice guy ..his family was extremely nice to me and we almost had the wedding date fixed. The guy’s father attitude was kind of confusing regd my career as the D day approached , so we asked him whats the issue. He came out clear saying that he expects his Daughter in Law to hand him over all the savings she has done till date from her career and also all her future earnings! My family tried to make him understand,..but he was v adamant on this and finally we decided not to go ahead. and If you look at the family background , they were all v well educated ppl and I had never expected this from them. When i asked the guy if he also felt the same..he simply said he cannot disobey his father!!!simple.

    basically after all this..my belief in this entire arranged marriage thing is not there now. I dont mind meeting a guy if my family wants me to..i treat it casually like a boring , blind date .but i know at least in my mind from the very beginning ki its not going to work out and have no hopes attached!! :D

    ab toh i m 32..so my relatives have told me to start considering divorcees , widowers since i m past my sell by date it seems..so ab woh process & torture bhi start hona hai! :P

    Comment by Som_31 — August 9, 2012 @ 5:04 pm

  97. Welcome to the club Sowmya and fret not, I am in the same boat :) Eventually I just decided to enjoy life and take it as it comes instead of just getting wasted over something which wasn’t happening in spite of hardest of efforts. I’ve met the kind of double standard people you talk about and even if I were to think for one second that it would work out – I know it won’t. It’s better to be happily single than unhappily married.

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — August 9, 2012 @ 5:16 pm

  98. hehe it is strange I am a guy and a phd looking to marry since 3 years. now i am 31 and my parents say u are about to go past the expiry date soon. But the girls i end up meeting have so high demands that I say naa ji taubaa.. being single is good enuf.

    looks like people we like to marry are not interested to marry us :) happy hunting ladies :)

    Comment by neo — August 9, 2012 @ 5:23 pm

  99. agree with u and i do belive ki hota wahi hai jo manjoore khudha n mere liya acha ho! :)
    I would like to believe that maybe god wants to me to meet such people before i meet my life partner (if at all he exists lol) ..so that i can value n respect him more ;)

    n yeah people we want to marry somehow dont seem to be interested to marry us !lol!

    Comment by Som_31 — August 10, 2012 @ 11:17 am

  100. I am 33, a masters and let me say women are far more picky than men..men look at looks, at the lady’s ability to gell with them…a bit at the family plus education (independent source of income is good)…and thats about it. Women…my goodness…the ones I have met, caste, creed, daddy says, mommy says…the list goes on and on…as such I have given up on this whole marriage thing! The unreasonable requirements are too much to bother with. I am afraid, most women are looking for Hrithik Roshans with the earning power of a Mukesh Ambani..apparently, normal human beings wont do.

    Comment by ven — August 18, 2012 @ 8:04 pm

  101. Ven – (kat?) , now that’s a generalisation .. I can just say, I see nothing wrong in a woman expecting Hrithik + Ambani combination if she herself is the Katrina factor in both looks and earning.

    Comment by Twilight Fairy — August 19, 2012 @ 7:57 pm

  102. It’s a Woe-man’s world http://bit.ly/96vCvh #news #socialmedia

    This comment was originally posted on Twitter

    Comment by sfsmjobshoot — February 9, 2010 @ 4:33 pm

  103. It’s a Woe-man’s world http://bit.ly/9IGN43 #news #socialmedia

    This comment was originally posted on Twitter

    Comment by socialmediajs — February 9, 2010 @ 4:33 pm

  104. It’s a Woe-man’s world http://bit.ly/96vCvh #news #socialmedia

    This comment was originally posted on Twitter

    Comment by sfsocialmedia — February 9, 2010 @ 4:34 pm

  105. It’s a Woe-man’s world http://tinyurl.com/yajp63p #socialmedia #news

    This comment was originally posted on Twitter

    Comment by WalesSMjobs — February 9, 2010 @ 4:47 pm

  106. It’s a Woe-man’s world http://goo.gl/fb/ntiN

    This comment was originally posted on Twitter

    Comment by desipundit — February 9, 2010 @ 6:04 pm

  107. unabhängige frauen in indien und der heiratsmarkt. ein paar gedanken rund um eine erfahrung: http://is.gd/81dhJ

    This comment was originally posted on Twitter

    Comment by ms_sophie — February 9, 2010 @ 9:54 pm

  108. It’s a Woe-Man’s world – Twilight Fairy http://bit.ly/bJvQFh

    This comment was originally posted on Twitter

    Comment by sanyasi420 — February 10, 2010 @ 6:07 pm

  109. @priyaramani @aa_ansari here u go http://blog.twilightfairy.in/2010/02/09/its-a-woe-mans-world/

    This comment was originally posted on Twitter

    Comment by twilightfairy — February 16, 2010 @ 1:43 pm

  110. Excellent post by @twilightfairy who most of the independent women who would like to find a decent man will relate to http://bit.ly/cdjODQ.

    This comment was originally posted on Twitter

    Comment by kusum_rohra — March 14, 2010 @ 12:27 am

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